Feeling, not thinking

We have that totally infatuated look, the sickening one which is intolerable and endearing. We were kissing in Victoria Park when I saw the lockdown love stories url chalked into pavement.

The pandemic didn’t start with him but another, a painter. A whirlwind romance that started out long distance as a friendship but after a 7 hour phone conversation turned into more. Phone calls went on for hours, letters were sent, paintings fragmented and sent across the world to be assembled piece by piece, the snippets of time spent together felt electric. I felt the weight of finding love like this felt heavy as I struggled to adapt to life back in England after being away for so long. After each red flag, I spoke to myself softly “relationships aren’t easy, you never get the whole cake, this too shall pass.” 

I became very good at hiding huge parts of being, especially my libido, sex no longer felt organic and there were occasions I silently cried myself to sleep next to him filled with shame for wanting more than this. As his desire continued to plummet so did my self esteem. His scarily impulsive behaviour left me in limbo of wanting out and wanting to stay and support. 

I looked up at this man and I visualised my brain as a lotus flower and in that moment felt incredibly receptive and open and I knew in that moment who I needed to meet, someone who knew themselves & what they wanted, someone who loved me for who I am and will become, who was actually attracted to me emotionally and physically and not someone who was slowly stripping away my self esteem. 

I asked him to leave my home later that night, 2 weeks later he sent me an email which confirmed that the catalyst I had set in motion was right. I never replied, I wrote three different responses and that was enough, closure is something you only ever get from yourself.

Going through a breakup during a pandemic is confusing, you feel so incredibly alone yet so guilty because when you put a breakup in the context of a global pandemic it feels indulgent. My friends and family were amazing. I went through hell in my head for three weeks but maintained a strict routine of cardio exercise and yoga everyday, the third week passed and I saw a glimmer of myself, once I saw it, I could harness it.

The weeks rolled by and while I recalibrated I became aware of being scared of being with someone else, perhaps a gentle introduction into online dating? Hinge suited best. Social distancing is still in place, perhaps this will cultivate a slowness I needed.

His opening question was direct, open and curious. The conversation was leagues above any others, but was I ready? Is this a rebound? A self esteem booster?

4 dates in and we kissed, we didn’t stop, and while I still vaciltated these questions in my head I came to the realisation that sometimes you just need to stop thinking and start feeling.

A lockdown breakup has taught me I can survive anything, and while self inquiry is important sometimes you just need to acknowledge the moment you are in and feel it in every cell.

He is the beginning and the end, the one I was seeking and I have never felt happier. 

The universe is unfolding as it’s meant to.