Boy bye

It was lockdown and I was stuck away from you. We had a video call – you looked into my eyes and said you loved me. You loved me more than you realised. You wanted to marry me when I got back and to start a family. A week later and I didn’t hear from you. After wishing you a ‘happy birthday’ I was blocked. You wanted me, but you couldn’t choose me. When she gave you a chance to fight and rebuild what you had (leveraging your kids), I didn’t stand a chance and I was ghosted.

We met up after the first lockdown. You explained your feelings never changed, you had to choose between me and your kids. An explanation made it easier. And I believe kids come first, 100%.


The Letter.

You wrote me a letter 6+ months later because you wanted to both thank and apologise to me. Apparently when it came down to it, you didn't have the balls to make the tough decisions. You apologised for chasing me and convincing me to be with you. You apologised that it didn't work out (with hindsight you realised you would never have been happy being away from your kids), you told me how wonderful I was and how I deserved more. And you thanked me for everything I did for you and for the money I leant you. That letter was purely for you. To settle your guilt. Not one word of it was for me. I was annoyed with myself - I hadn't even recognised your handwriting on the envelope. My heart jumped when I realised who it was from. The anger and hope welled-up inside me and I burst into tears when I read it. 

I've long written off the money you owe me. You could pay it back if it was that important to you. But other things are more important and it's easier to let me down, again. You told me to smile, and that lockdown wouldn’t last forever... 

2021. I re-built my life, got a new job, moved on, found a purpose, and found me again - I thrived in this lockdown. Then lockdown was lifted. You wanted to meet but you also understood if I never wanted to speak to you again (er dramatic, much?). I told you there were no hard feelings. You rang 3 times, I was busy. When I did pick-up, we spoke for hours. You loved the new me. You were desperate to lock-in a time and a day to catch-up the following week. And then within 15 mins of the call ending you didn’t think meeting was a good idea. 

The flakiness hurt but this time I was prepared. I expected it. I didn't need an explanation. I could tell by the way you were talking to me it crossed a line, you hadn't moved on. You don’t trust yourself around me. You’re still in-love with me. 

And I now know there was nothing more I could have done or been, to have kept us together and lived our happily ever after. Knowing you're still in love with me is bittersweet. But it is all the impetus I need to continue to leave you firmly in the past. Lockdown has reignited my inner strength and I know my personal worth. This time it was your message that was ignored. 

This time I choose me. 

Boy, bye… x