Breakups bookended my Lockdown

I broke up with B last spring. He was thoughtful, funny, and generous, but I didn’t feel anything deeper than fondness for him. As the world closed, we had fun syncing our Netflix shows on virtual dates and hunting down that elusive bag of flour. But I couldn’t see us relying solely on each other for companionship and comfort for an indefinite lockdown. When I ended it, he assured me I had nothing to apologize for, that I couldn’t change my feelings. I still felt guilty for not ending it early enough for him to find someone else to quarantine with.

S broke up with me this spring after we had both received our first vaccine dose. It had been eight months of masked hikes, outdoor dining, and personal history excavation. For the first time, I thought I had found a potential life partner. Except something inexplicable in our relationship was missing for him. He said he wished he had spent more time with me at the beginning so he could have realized this sooner. I told him he deserved to be with someone he was excited about, then went home and burst into body-wracking sobs. I mourned what we used to be in our bubble and what we could have been out of it.

I couldn’t face lockdown with B.
I can’t face reopening without S.

A tale as old as time. Pandemic edition.