The thing

So, here's the thing. I never thought I'd feel any depth of dizzying giddy-excitement again. I didn't think I could giddy-excite again after him. But then you stumbled along and I saw the precious without ache, the special without self-loathe. I won't ever think of living here and it not be encased by thoughts of you. You touched me. You altered my views on what life makes us endure, of how grateful we can be from just living, even if some happy-endings never seem to pass. But even after all that alteration, what if it's still not meant to be me ending up with you. Perhaps i'll meander through this life hopelessly ruining anyone who even loosely learns to love me. It's apropos and cathartic and quite frankly, pathetic. When the night is quiet, and we're drawing stupid stories on each others skin; for a moment I felt different. Something other than the demons washing doubt and anxiety over my bones. For a moment, it felt like I had tripped into the warmest of sunshine afternoons and there you're standing, grinning your cheesy grin: waving victory over a battle I had never won. You wouldn't know it, but you freed me from a magnitude of shackles screaming omnipresent insecurity. I still cannot comprehend why I cannot repeat the sentiments you told me, but maybe we are just meant for the right-now and not for an infinite time. Regardless, I hope you always know: I take you wherever I go. My mind spirals into endless stories and daydreams about you; because right now i am all encompassed by you. In our distance between concrete walls and unsaid thoughts, my brain swims amongst the galaxies and stars of our make-believes so bright I can barely see. The hours tick by and it's twists and twirls itself around my thoughts making me want to be better, try a little harder. That's the hardest part of all. Knowing that right now, I can't contemplate anyone else nor do I have the right to want to curl up against your chest; a feeble dilemma of a curse I'll carry until my head falls off. But I hope you know this, whatever this is, inside of me which attached myself to you over the days and weeks of this year, right now can't seem to let it go. I've tried to leave it where it should be left and even through our silence of each passing day; it still clings to you; reluctant to let you go; just as the sun clings to the path of the moon burning through the midnight sky. We both know people are temporary and they always leave us. I've known this ever since chaos and clamour taught me how to build barricades against this harsh existence. I can fill pages and text-boxes of everything I want to tell you. I can scour for vocabulary until my tongue runs dry and the fatigue runs down my throat and sad sighs itself out of my lungs. But even then, after all that time: my brain still hopes to find a way back to yours.