I have never

I'm 27, living in a pandemic, never been kissed or been the kisser. Never been touched. Never been the one someone has chosen to love. The thing is, I know I'm not repulsive. I have options, I have a great job, a good family, a good house, I work out. The problem is, i have an innate fear of intimacy. I lie to all my friends and tell them I've had one night stands and all this experience when in fact my experience tank is empty. I have a fear of someone looking too close, seeing all my imperfections: the broken. On the surface everything is shiny, unbreakable but on the inside I'm paranoid, anxious and frightful. I met someone in the first lockdown, virtually of course and I thought for the first time: maybe this is it, this is what I have been waiting for all my life. How sad things turned out to be when he turned out to be another fleeting ship; sailing into the arms of another. So here I am, I continue to wait... kiss-less, sex-less and love-less.