I saw it all

 I saw it all with you, you know. Our future together. Growing older, going places, making memories. The decisions about what we'd eat for dinner, the coffees in the morning sun, the hand holding in bed, or on walks, or in the car. Grey hairs, little wrinkles, laughter lines appearing. Signs of time spent together and memories shared. I saw a happy house, one we'd share with your son, and maybe a child of ours one day too. I saw adventures, laughter, the smile of yours I love so much. I saw myself, happier than I'd ever been. I was totally enamoured with you, with the life we would live. I saw our wedding day, our vows and the moment we'd look into each others' eyes and commit to spending our lives together. I saw our first dance, us singing and it taking me back to the early days of us dancing in the kitchen in your flat. Or to my 30th birthday, dancing in my dining room, surrounded by people but yours was the only face I saw. I saw joy, laughter, fun. I saw us running into the sea, jumping into cold, cold, lakes and staring up at starry skies, under our favourite moon. I saw us climbing mountains, venturing to countries near and far, road trips, boat trips. I saw endless lists of plans and dates and everything we wanted to do with each other. Most of all, I saw us as we were, but forever. 

We aren't that now. We won't have the future I saw. Maybe I was too optimistic, maybe I didn't know you at all. Maybe you never really saw the future I did. I guess I never will now. Over the past few months, everything changed. We've had the same conversations round and round and round again. Never quite managing to really hear what the other is saying. The love I have for you never left, but I had to say goodbye. And it was the hardest thing. But I'm good now. I'm healing and I'm making my own way. Our future won't be my future, and that's okay.