I wanted to message you

I wanted to message you the other night..but thats nothing new. I often see things that remind me of you or a joke/meme that would make us both laugh.. sometimes I screenshot them on the off chance you'll come back to me. 

I miss the way you used to stroke my face, and tell me that I was the prettiest girl you had ever kissed. I miss the way you made me feel safe and calm and how the world just stopped when I was in your arms. 

Now all I know are sleepless nights.. dark circles under my eyes.. the brink of tears never too far away. How certain songs push me over the edge and spraying myself with the aftershave you wore to make it feel like you are with me. 

I shared my secrets and showed you my biggest vulnerabilities.. I never thought when you were holding me and comforting me that you would one day end up using them against me.

I wonder do you ever think of me? Do I even cross your mind. You once said that I was on your mind from you opened your eyes in the morning until you closed them at night. So where did I go.. ? Who or what replaced the thoughts of me. You used to say i quietened the noise in your head.. maybe now I'm not there because the noise has taken over and drowned me out..

Maybe...

I dont exist without you. Maybe I don't want to.