Present as fuck

This is the longest we have ever physically been in the same exact place together despite being together for years. I panicked, I wondered, I panicked again. Are you changing your mind? Do you even want to be here with me, right now? Would you have left if I weren't here? Are you actually in love with me? But you don't even want to spend time with me. you talk, you "share", but that's not what feels to be the very core of you. are you reconsidering everything?

Wishing in the very twisted depths of me to feel that you wanted to be here, right now, all in, present as fuck. But all i heard were reflections and day dreams of realities that were far away and not this at all, and not one, of what us could be. 

So every day, i wake up, and I try to engage, telling myself I'm crazy for thinking otherwise, that this is a side effect of pressurized locking, hoping I'll see, hear, feel some sort of reciprocation and show of love and passion and care. I just want you to wake up and say "we're going on a day trip, just you and me" or "I know how hard this lockdown has been for you, so I made you dinner tonight for once, and all I want you to do is enjoy". Instead of telling me how to fix every worry or unfounded concern I have, just to say to me, "It'll be okay" and reinforce that I'm not some broken, flawed, human. that I just want to be held tight and feel at home and safe, knowing it'll be okay. 

Instead of telling me every good fucking well thought reason of why you are the way you are or did what you did, that you would just acknowledge that you listened to what I had to say and in some instances, just said sorry or let things be when you were in the wrong. but you always have to come out in the right, with the upper hand, having spoken your peace, but not having heard mine.

Will I ever be as important to you as you are to yourself? Will I ever matter that much to you?

I lay awake wondering, panicking, and wondering again.