Hard

 I stood in your bedroom this morning about to say goodbye. I was in last night's dress, a long floaty flowery number from the back of my wardrobe. I had not seen you for nearly a year. My letters from the last 2 years were in a small pile underneath your table all within reach, with indications that they'd been read more than once. 

I had stayed on the sofa last night as it became the least comfy but most graceful option. I had intended to finally give myself to you but after we'd had the 'talk' last night, while you were in the shower, I realised that I would rather die a virgin than give myself to someone who didn't know my worth. 

We should stay only friends you said, you didn't want to loose the emotional support or the beautiful friendship we had. I would be "convenient and comfortable" for you in a relationship and you didn't want that. 

We both are moving to the same new city finally being near each other, just a month apart. However, you said wanted to explore the city alone.

You have 2 ex's in the same city who you still call regularly, is it one of them you'd rather be with? 

I am relieved you were honest and have embraced the heartache and stupidity I had. I was naiive to think the gifts you gave, the late night phone calls, the lengthy messages from you meant something else.

So why is it when I stood in your room to say goodbye, your response isn't just one of friendship - those bedsheets don't hide you being hard. What's worse is the goofy shy smile on your face, while it happened not hiding the fact by you saying I made you feel young and it was "spectacular" to see me.

God, I'm so frustrated and you're a dick- why does that make me want you even more?