Just friends
‘You’re amazing. You’re smart. Mildly funny. Stunning. Caring. And literally like wife goals … You’ve got him hook, line and sinker. So go kill it’.
This was the pep talk that I got in reply to my SOS WhatsApp of ‘I ABSOLUTELY HATE DATING’ pre a first-date - in that cubbyhole of freedom that eeked in through lockdowns in the summer last year.
The SOS text was to my best friend. The pep talk reply was from said best friend. My male best friend. One of many pep talks that feels as if he’s wrapped my heart in cotton wool, keeping it safe but accessible.
So many people would read that between a male and female and conclude – there’s a spark. There’s something unsaid. Flirtation, a chemistry. Most those things are true – we do have a spark, chemistry and an affectionate banter. But between us, we have nothing left unsaid.
He’s been in my life for 15 years, a school-age sweetheart that soon fizzled into nothing. A fluctuating friendship through our adolescence, the last few years have seen us more united than ever, aligned in what we value in life.
We’ve wined and dined and drunkenly – and soberly - day-dreamed of how easy it would be if that romantic ignition was there. But our love story is the fact that it isn’t.
Lockdown has seen us both through the same wild rollercoaster as most – challenges with families, mental health, the start – and end – of romances, house moves, work adjustments, life uncertainties. Through the last year more than ever, he’s been a place of peace to me.
During a year of endless video calls he has seen me cry, he has made me laugh, he’s championed me, encouraged me. I nag him, I mother him, I get him to talk when sometimes it’s easier to avoid to. The hours succumbed to FaceTime have allowed us to talk creatively, conjure up old goals and new dreams, and encourage a shared accountability to chase them.
At the start of 2020, I really hoped to have a lockdown love story. Last year was the first time in a long time that I really felt ready for it.
Whist it hasn’t happened in the traditional sense, it’s deepened some of the love stories that I was already part of. His is definitely one of them.