Methods

We were both grad students and in our final semester. We took an online methods class together in which there were only 3 other people other than us. We knew each other but did not talk - even look at- each other that much before lockdown. I used to think that he specifically did not want to talk with me. Because of that I did not talk to him either. At the beginning of the semester, I, intuitively, decided to follow him on instagram. He followed me back. I love to share stories and I saw that he (loved to) watch my stories as well. It was just a feeling but it turned out to be true. At the same time, we saw each other once in a week, on Wednesdays, thanks to the class we shared. Because it was a small class and we both were the “nerdiest” ones, we started to ask each other questions about problem sets, or things related to the class. Sometimes he made comments on my stories and I answered him but those were just little conversations. I don’t know why but I wanted him to see my “real” personality, what kind of a person I am, how I live my life etc. I think I kind of liked his pride and attitude. Over time, his comments and my answers became longer and we started to talk more and more. I didn’t, and still don’t actually, know about his feelings but I enjoyed and was pleased with our conversations. He put a smile on my face most of the time. When I heard that he was accepted on a very prestigious PhD program in the US, it was a time when we rarely talked. I mean, he already decided to go abroad and I knew about it during all this time but I couldn’t stop myself from liking him. In fact, I was planning to apply for the same programme next year as well…

In the last 3 months, we have talked literally everyday. And, our conversations became more and more personal. I felt my attachment growing towards him but I just couldn’t stop it. During the summer, when the country started to open up, he implicitly and kindly declined all my intimate “date” offers. I do not know why, or if this has a meaning. But I knew that he met with his other friends etc. Was it only me? Why? Is it because we didn’t talk before lockdown? I still am not sure. Anyways, today he had “the” flight. I mean he is on the plane right now. Last night, I said goodbye to him via a WhatsApp message and told him he can write to me anytime he wants when he feels upset. He hasn’t seen my recent stories. I have been checking the whole day.