My home

I met the love of my life in a smoking area of a venue in Bristol, U.K. His face was so familiar so beautiful his eyes didn’t break contact from mine. We talked for three hours that night until I was pulled away by a friend. He wrote his name on my trousers quickly and I left. I remember looking at my best friend and saying “I just met the love of my life”. Unfortunately he had told me he lived in Sheffield and was only visiting for one night. Sheffield is a seven hour car journey. I knew it couldn’t practically work because of distance but I didn’t give up hope.

I had frantically searched Facebook for the man I met the night before. It was so frustrating. There were so many men with exactly the same name (quite common for Pakistani Muslim). After endless scrolling I found him and private messaged him straight away.

We started talking most days for the first year of contact. We both wanted to see each other eagerly, however we struggled financially and were limited by our shared disabilities. Neither of us shared exactly how we felt about each other at the time.

As time went by, contact lessened and then disappeared entirely. He had met someone and I had told myself I must move on. I had terrible luck meeting men after that and never felt for them as I had felt for him. He stayed in my mind always. I had entered an abusive relationship after meeting him he was struggling in his own. It was too painful for us both to hear this. We wanted the best for one another, we wanted to make each other happy and we couldn’t. It was heartbreaking.

Four almost five years after meeting I met my boyfriend. We had met just before the first lockdown and both seemed to want the same things. it proved to not be the case towards the end of last year during the second lockdown. He didn’t want children, couldn’t stand my bubbly personality and wouldn’t show interest in me. His phone became more interesting to him. I just didn’t want him in my home anymore.

He lives in a very tiny boat in the middle of nowhere. We had decided to lockdown in my flat for the ease of being close to the city. We were really lucky to have the option of staying in the boat too. We wild swam, kayaked, rocked in hammocks and cycled in some beautiful nature spots. I knew I wasn’t happy deep down inside. I felt truly lonely, truly isolated in love. We broke up last October.

I thought back to the man I met all that time ago and wandered if he was coping with the pandemic well. If he was dealing with his health complications. If he was even alive. I had tried to contact him over the years. I tried send messages and call the number I had saved in my phone. It was no longer in use. Every time there was a dead end I felt even more crushed.

Early this year I reopened my Facebook account to communicate with a charity I rescued my dog from. As I looked In messenger to find the correspondence I saw an unread message waiting at the top of my inbox. It was him!!! He had reached out a month before to see how I was.

Without any thought I replied straight away. I had sent him a whole chain of replies and left my mobile at the end. I wanted this to be another chance for us to see if we could make it work. I didn’t know if he loved me but I absolutely adored him.

I remember how nervous I felt, waiting to be let in the zoom meeting. It would be the first time in six years that I would see his face and he would see mine. What if he didn’t find me attractive? His face popped up and just like that I was home. There he was his glowing smile, his shiny dark eyes, silky curly black hair, his gorgeous brown skin. I was besotted again. Eh oh.

We started talking more on WhatsApp and that became constant and daily. We had a lot of time to catch up. He reassured me that he has felt the same way about me the whole time and coincidentally had split from a partner October last year. We were finally in the same place at the same and he was living only an hour away in the train. However we were now in a global pandemics. We had made plans to see each at the end of the lockdown. We talked for months virtually and loved every minute of it. I finally got him all to myself to learn everything I can about him.

Three months into a digital relationship we decided enough was enough. We were both shielding and the bubble system came into action so we just went for it. He came to me and bubbled for a month.

We are so in love. I can’t say now because we always have been. We talk about our futures and I see him in every single part of mine. To have his physical touch, his warmth, hearing him snore and feeling his presence in my space has been a dream come true and more then I could have ever wished for. I no longer feel lost. I’m home.