Out of control

After my 12 year, controlling relationship ended a week before lockdown, I was happy and liberated to live my life the way I had always wanted.
Instead, lockdown forced me into a kind of darkness that made me quickly realise that, in fact, I had no idea what I wanted or, In fact, what I needed. I spent 2 months in a kind of silence. Really digging deep into myself. Then one day I woke with a kind of determination to start talking to people again. I joined various dating sites, spoke to many interesting people as well as some that were not.
I went on a few dates that were less then successful. I felt that I was now in a different time, so out of sync with everyone I met. I was so out of my depth.

Then Tinder happened. I had a man message me the longest message I had ever received. Fully complimentary, articulated and endearing.
I didn't reply straight away. I was so done with meeting people that I couldn't feel comfortable with. I didnt want to play the part of someone that wasn't me again, just to satisfy someone else's ego. But, something drew me in and I replied. We had a date at a restaurant he had chosen. It really took me alot to get dressed. To get in the car. To accept that this would be different. My walls were up.
I saw him standing outside waiting for me. I had instant butterflies. He was tall, gorgeous and well dressed. We kissed hello and I felt like I'd met him a million times before. We sat across from each other and we talked and laughed. His smile gave me goosebumps. How was this happening?! We went back to his, we chatted some more and kissed lots. The next day we met for a day date. When that was over, I didn't want to go. I had found someone I genuinely liked and was smitten. I was terrified but so excited. I got into my car and messaged him about meeting him in the evening. He agreed and bought me wine. I couldn't stop staring at him all night.

6 weeks later, I'm the happiest I've EVER been. We are both in control, but yet it feels like it's out of control. I'm in love with him. We're so content in each others company and I feel like, even though this is something I would never say, I've found the other half of me. He's everything Ive ever wanted and more. I'm so excited for our future and I don't care how mad it is.
Lockdown has been amazing.