Reality check

A single mum of 2 children entering lockdown with a dodgy coparenting relationship with the kids father. He met someone while we were in lockdown 1 and broke every rule to be with her, in my eyes putting our children (and hers) at risk. I judged. I was angry, not because I wanted him but because the selfishness he showed in his marriage was there again but as usual, only towards me. He didn't put his children first, only his own feelings. 
Fast forward to the beginning of lockdown 2... I met someone just before. He is funny, smart, easy going and makes me feel like the only person in the room (probably because I am, we're in lockdown). I confess, I have broken every rule for him. I have crossed counties to be in his arms for a few hours, I've claimed he is my bubble when we both have our parents as bubbles, I've entered his house and I've never socially distanced from him. He makes me feel alive. He makes me feel like more than a mum. He doesn't judge me. He makes me happy. I'm scared but excited. I don't want it to end but am scared that lifting lockdown will burst the little bubble we have created. No longer a secret, no longer hidden, we need to hit reality. Reality is I'm freaking out that I'm not interesting enough - my life as a single parent working part time is virtually no different from the furloughed single parent he's got to know. Reality is I know he won't care. My head is making problems. Be quiet head and allow my heart to shout ❤️ I deserve it. 

I'll never say it out loud but I'm sorry to my ex for judging, I know now what you were facing. I just couldn't be without him either - I understand now.