Thanks

Thank you for smiling your charming smile that one night when our electric feelings vibed so obviously.
Thank you for smiling the same smile again the next time too.
Thank you for walking me home to make sure I was safe.
Thank you for messaging me after, striking up great conversation and keeping me hooked.
Thank you for messaging me again even after I went silent.
Thank you for chasing me until I was ready to love.
Thank you for the endless compliments.
Thank you for exciting day trips and surprise bookings abroad.
Thank you for loving me.
Thank you for moving in with me, making my house feel like a home. 
Thank you for introducing me to a whole host of new experiences.
Thank you for the nights cooking delicious food together.
Thank you for engulfing me in your family. They truly are the best. 
Thank you for making me the proudest auntie of your beautiful beautiful niece and nephew.  God, how I love them.
Thank you for planning our future together, forever and always.
Thank you for making me feel so bloody lucky.
Thank you for being my jigsaw piece, fitting my heart so perfectly. 

Until you didn't fit any longer. 

Thank you for the late nights when you didn't come home.
Thank you for the worry.
Thank you for making me wonder why I wasn't good enough.
Thank you for the confusion. 
Thank you for getting outrageously drunk far too often. So drunk that you couldn't control your own bodily functions or temper.
Thank you for always blaming me.
Thank you for twisting truths and telling your friends.
Thank you for the no apologies.
Thank you for calling me disgusting names. 
Thank you for the silent treatment.
Thank you for being "too tired" to be close.
Thank you for ruining our trips away.
Thank you for embarrassing me in front of others.
Thank you for regularly cancelling plans.
Thank you for ignoring the tears I tried to stifle as I lay next to you at night.
Thank you for putting me out of your car and telling me to get the bus home.
Thank you for being a complete arse to my closest friends.
Thank you for moving the goalposts on our future plans.
Thank you for never committing.
Thank you for blaming Lockdown, knowing fine well it had started long before then.
Thank you for breaking your promises.
Thank you for making me feel like I was asking for too much after "only 4 years".
Thank you for being bitter about paying me rent.
Thank you for making me feel like the loneliest person in the world. 
Thank you for realising what you had once it was too late.
Thank you for destroying my heart, over and over again.
Thank you for showing me both what love can be and what love should not be.
Thank you for everything. 

I thank myself for seeing things clearly and understanding that an amazing beginning doesn't excuse a miserable present.
I thank myself for finding the strength to ask you to leave, despite loving you with my whole heart.
I thank myself for remaining strong when you tried to come back again and again.
I thank myself for wishing you the best.
I thank myself for no longer loving you.
I thank myself for allowing myself the time and space to grieve my once niece and nephew. I miss those little beauties so so much. My little lost loves; my hardest heartbreak. I'm over you but I'm not over them.