That one ex

Since quarantine first started I’ve been dreaming of that one ex I never got truly over being with me again, us having fun together or apologizing to each other and planning on meeting again. In the morning, when I’d wake, I’d cry knowing this was fiction. Then I’d listen to songs he once had recommended to me and I realised how they shape my life and who I am now, and that I’ve almost become him in the way I behave and the things I like. And I am so grateful that he shared his light with me, I just want to tell him, I just want to say thank you. I love you. I’m sorry. I hope I brought as much value to your life as you brought in mine. That’s all. No need to get back together. I’d just like him as a friend. What I am thankful for and love in a platonic unconditional sense is an illusion as I isolated this segment of him out of his persona, fell in love with that and dwelled on it. There were bad times and times where he was a toxic person for me to be with due to his insecurities. I had a whole conversation in my head where I cried from happiness because of how much I love him and how our times together were the best ones of my life. Then I cried from sadness accepting my fate as someone that will die alone since there will be no other person that I could love as much as him. It felt like I was in a beautiful dream that I could not appreciate until it was all over and I could look back on to move on. 
So all of that emotional baggage was asking for me to get it out, begging me like, “hey I’m gonna burst!” So now I’m making songs about love, gratitude and nostalgia - and also acceptance: that these were good times and now they’ve left this bitter-sweetness.