The Ache: Part 3

Back in January (during what I think we can all agree was the lowest lockdown) I submitted my lockdown heartbreak. I was a mess. The first lockdown had been marked by a devastating break-up of a very long term relationship that had left me feeling small and empty. By the January lockdown I was still a mess only this time three months into a new relationship with the wrong person, not that I fully realised that then. The beautiful stories on this page felt so lost on me as I struggled with feeling as if my heart had turned cold. I realised I needed to be the one to make me happy. I ended the relationship that was never the right fit. His response to me ending it proved that more than ever. I focused on reconnecting with old friends and took the bold step of making new ones. Putting myself out there with new hobbies and saying yes to stuff that scared me. For the first time in months I started to find myself smiling just because. I started to feel good about myself as I started to realise you have to be the sun in your own universe. I’d been too happy to give so much of myself away for others. I began to feel not just like the old me, but a better me, more self assured about what I wanted, bolder and more open. Then surprisingly someone came along. It’s been a slow burn and during a period where I had intended to take a dating break but this match just seemed to stick around. Thoughtful messages turned into dates that I found myself enjoying more and more. The easing of lockdown part three meant we had to take it slow but everything has flowed naturally. The time in his company comes with ease and I look forward to being with him even if only curled up on his sofa with a glass of wine through to the spontaneous days out and leg trembling sex. He’s quick to compliment me but he’s not the reason I feel good. I feel safe with him but he’s not the reason I feel secure again. He gives me plenty of reasons to smile but he’s not the reason I’m happy in myself again. That’s come with time, from me, with a little help from all of those around me. If you’re reading this and feeling disconnected from all these lockdown love stories, may you be well, may you be happy, may you live with ease again, may you have peace in your heart. This was my mantra and it’s come.