The day of Lockdown we split

The day of Lockdown we split, March 23rd 2020.

A date that is burned into my mind. I say we split, 'we' fell out and you just cut me off completely. I see why they say it's ghosting, I feel like you're a ghost and that 'we' never happened. Yet at times I still feel like you're around, but you're not dead... as far as I know.

Tomorrow, 28th September, would have been our 1 year anniversary. The last 6 months during lockdown have been full of lows and highs. I still think fondly of you/us everyday. We were best friends, inseparable, partners in crime. I still have huge amount of hate and anger towards you. You lied and pretended to be someone you weren't. I feel tricked, ashamed and stupid. 

I feel so many things all at once... am I hard to love? How can I trust anyone else again? I've tried, and I have pushed them away... Will they do this to me as well? How did I not see all the signs? and my greatest fear: that I will be alone for the rest of my life... Some people never meet the right one, do they? Or maybe I have and I have pushed them away? 

I wish I could go back in time and never ask you on that second date.. but then I wouldn't be where I am today. Embarking on a new career, making new memories and friendships. Things I used to dream of. So I wouldn't change a thing. Looking back, I had to meet you and I had to become the worst version of myself with you - we were toxic for each other in the end - I had to fall apart to now be falling back together. So thank you. I love you 3000, I love you more and I always will love you... all those things we used to say to each other. I hope you find happiness, I hope I will too. But thank you for making me begin the process of falling in love with myself.