The thing is (there’s always a thing)

Over twenty years I have known and loved him. From afar mostly via email, old school letters, phone calls, with some ecstatic blissful times of actually being together, kissing for hours. I can still feel and smell his sweetness. The last time I saw him was two years ago, and the connection, despite the miles and years, his hair gone white but still beautiful, was fiery and deep, with true caring about each other.
The thing is, and there has to be a thing, right?. The old story, he is married. I tell myself this every day, let him go he is married. He loves her, let him go. Let him go. I could not let him go. He could not let me go. We could not let each other go.
But now? The pandemic ...so he works from home, we can not talk on the phone. Its been a year since I have heard his voice. My heart doesn't race with joy when the phone rings because I know it can not be him calling. As the weeks go by my longing lessens, and I am trying to refocus on the things I have loved to do such as write, or play my guitar. One has to fill one's own empty holes anyway, even if with a lover. Maybe I am making space for a new love of my life. Maybe I am still learning how to love myself.