Will I ever

After a year of living abroad for school, I had very little luck with guys. Lackluster dates, bad sex, ghosting... no one piqued my interest. But then again, this is a trend I know all too well. It’s made me a skeptic of relationships, love, and then some. I chalk it up to never having really “clicked” with someone. There have been close encounters, but they always lacked... something.

Although the intention was to remain abroad once school ended, Covid, the state of the job market, lack of visa sponsorship, and the end of my lease forced my hand in having to move back home. At this point, I accepted the inevitable. 

A week before I left, I was out with friends celebrating one of their birthdays. We ended up in a queue at a bar I suggested... and there he was, right in front of us. I was immediately taken aback by his smile. Boyishly handsome. I casually mentioned my attraction to him to my friends. Little did I know what would unfold. 

Out of the entire bar and the few seats available, it was coincidental that he was sat right next to us. However, my low self-esteem led me to be too shy to speak to him. But my bolder than bold friends quickly took care of that. We were introduced, numbers were exchanged, the conversation naturally flowed, lingering glances, and commonalities were quickly found. Completely unexpected. We ended the night with a goodbye hug and texts exchanged during my Uber drive home. 

Days pass, and I figured it was worth a shot meeting up again before I fly out. What did I have to lose? I sent a text admitting I was leaving and invited him to my going away scheduled for the night before my flight home. He showed up, alone... yet was cool and confident around me and my friends. As long as I was beside him, his attention was solely on me. Once again, conversation flowed like we had known each other for a long time, yet we’re still very much strangers to one another. 

As the night moved on, he kissed me when it was just the two of us outside my friend’s flat. He rested his hand on my cheek while we gently and slowly kissed. This, too, was unexpected. It was while I was in the middle of rambling on about something that I couldn’t begin to recall. We talked about things in which my friends aren’t even privy. Organic and vulnerable. We ended up back at mine, and one thing led to another. The conversation continued with seemingly nothing off the table and no prying involved. We took things slow. Simply revealing ourselves physically and emotionally.

As much as I enjoyed that night, it struck fear in me. It was all unexpected. Here I am, leaving the country and have come across what was once a previously unfounded connection. He left my flat that night. Earlier that evening, I found out that his top choice graduate program in which he wants to attend next fall is in my hometown. He said he would reach out if he attends that school. He later texted me wishing me a safe flight and thanked me for such a fun night. And that’s where it ended.

Now, I’m across the pond wondering... was that just a one night stand? Was it more? I consider the facts: he never took his eyes off of me, always had a smile plastered on his face, freely spoke with my friends, was willingly goofy in front of me, spoke about deeply personal life events and aspirations, actively listened, and was physically and emotionally respectful of me. Even as a self-proclaimed skeptic, I perceived no agenda on his behalf. 

But his demeanor changed after we had sex. He suddenly seemed sad and distant. He left. And it’s been radio silence since then. Some of my friends describe those two nights as a “movie.” Others say he’s an asshole. I’m left completely and utterly confused about how I should feel. I can accept it being a one night stand. I can also accept if it was more than that. But I just don’t have a clear enough answer. Will I ever know?