500 days of summer

There are so many things you can say to express growing feelings towards someone without being explicit- ‘you mean so much to me’; ‘I care about you’; ‘you’re compelling from the inside and the outside’. We’ve both exchanged these words but I also felt this many times without saying it to you when we were together or apart. 

I surprised myself when I realised that this tiny seed of love was sown the first day we met. The following week we spent that long, hot afternoon on Hampstead Heath talking about absolutely everything. In the weeks to come we slept together on floors and beds; often waking up in the dying light of a long summer’s day. We foraged for elderflowers in Hackney and collected seashells on Canvey Island. Our brief relationship was like this too – it was made from whatever we could find in ourselves to be together. 

On our last day, we had to face the truth when we realized we both needed different things. You were so full of energy and good humour in my company that I didn’t realise how much pain you were dealing with inside. At this moment I wanted to tell you that I loved you but I knew it wouldn’t change the situation, so I held myself back. 

A few months on, I’ve pieced my life together into a new shape- it’s not perfect but I’m happy. I surprised myself again because I discovered that I’m more resilient than I previously imagined. After our breakup, the love I had for you somehow renewed the love I had for myself, my life, my friends, and my family. I suffered from heartbreak but I don’t feel like I’ve lost anything. 

Perhaps one day we will drift back into the same current and pick up where we left off. Maybe then it'll be the right time to tell you that I love you. If we don’t then that’s fine too- either way, I know I’ll be happy.