Isolating

You liked a few of my Facebook pictures back in summertime during lockdown number 1. I noticed because I always had a little crush on you in college but we never talked really and I had a boyfriend back then. So when a message from you appeared on my screen I was surprised! Over the years I’ve looked on your social media whenever you’ve popped up on suggestions, and had done it fairly recently before you messaged me.You always seemed to be doing something exciting like travelling or having fun with friends - the opposite of me. I never even considered talking to you cause I thought there was no way I would be interesting to someone like you - also you live in another country. But you messaged me and we seemed to click instantly! We talked more each day and I started to feel butterflies whenever your name popped up. We had the same sense of humour, a lot of things in common and it felt really easy to talk to you. It quite quickly became clear that we both felt the same. We started having phone calls almost daily. Then video calls. One day in summer we had a call that lasted 7 hours and it felt like spending a day with you, it was really lovely. It had been years since I felt anything like those feelings for anyone and I have a bad history with relationships. I find it hard to trust people because I experienced a lot of emotional abuse in a past relationship. So it was really nice to feel like I could trust someone again, allow myself to fall into it completely and be vulnerable yet feel so safe with someone. The more we talked the closer we got, it became good morning and goodnight messages every day, telling each other about our day etc
So we planned to meet when you come home to see your family for Christmas. Then that became a plan for me to fly out to see you sooner. You wanted me there with you and talked as if I would become part of your life and even move there. I started to believe it and really thought this could be something, and although I was terrified I booked flights to see you. It was my first time flying alone but that didn’t matter because I was determined to see you. We were both so excited as the flight date got closer. Then the 2nd lockdown was announced and I was heartbroken. But I found a loophole and broke some rules. The day arrived and I was so nervous all day. On the train to the airport, through the rest of the journey and couldn’t believe it when I arrived and saw you. That first hug. I never wanted to let go. It was so lovely to finally get to be together to cuddle in your bed, have sex and just be close to each other. But in the next few days the tension grew. I was so nervous and it rubbed off on you. I started feeling like you didn’t want me there and it hurt a lot after I’d made so much effort to get there. It was a bit of a case of lack of communication. I wanted it to be perfect and I really thought it would be. It became clear that we both need to sort our own shit and aren’t ready for a relationship really. I felt like my dreams had been shattered even though I knew it was true. The last 2 days we had were lovely though and to me it felt how it should have been the whole time. On Sunday morning I didn’t want to leave your bed. We had cuddled all night holding hands. You came to the airport with me and I had to try so hard not to cry again in front of you. When we hugged each other I really didn’t want to let you go. I cried all the way through security, through the airport and most of my journey home. I’m writing this now while on day 3 of my 14 day isolation. I wish we could go back to how things were before this. I miss talking to you so much and it breaks my heart thinking of what could have been. We’re staying in touch, I haven’t lost you completely but I really feel like I have.