I will always love you

London, UK
March 2021

Hi T,

Hope this letter finds you well.

March arrives with a renewed hope for freedom and light, after the winter darkness of January and February.

My February slipped through my fingers like crazy. What about you, what were you up to?
I started a new job in a rehab on fridays, launched my own newsletter and delivered my first paid staff training.
I finally got my bike although I didn’t adventure to go for a ride by myself but I will at some point.
My pale pink Barbour jacket received lots of compliments and it’s indeed a great jacket! 
I also did long beautiful walks across my favourite places in London like the old pre-Corona times, some of them with Daisy who I met at your NYE’s party. We became friends.
I continued to laugh terribly loud despite my neighbour’s complaints, initiate conversations with random people, sleep with my very thick PJ's and drink expensive hot chocolate from Gail's.

I also felt the most alive and the most miserable ever but the most myself, with extreme gratitude for everything that life has been throwing at me over the last years.

In Buddhism, they say the highest mountain leads to the most spectacular views of all. It took me a lot of time to grasp this, but once I understood it my view of life has changed completely.

This to say that I'm able to be grateful for you and for your short but strong appearance in my life. 
Regardless of the hurt, the pain, the disappointment, the fear, the anger, the rejection, the silence, the distance, the drugs, the alcohol and the many unanswered questions, I'm able to see the bigger picture or in Buddhist terms the most spectacular view of all. The most spectacular view may not be Machu Picchu or Mount Fuji yet, but the deepest of myself utterly transformed for the better from this experience. 

Thank you for introducing me to Taika's Watiti movies - Boy is a true gem, to the delicious and unique Peanut Slab (to my contentment I actually found a kiwi cafe in Brixton that sells it), to a red wine that I actually like and to feel less clueless when someone talks to me about NZ and the southern and northern island (put the blame on my very white european supremacy!).

The hardest part now after the chit chat...

Thanks for making me believe in Love again and being able to prove that you were not another total creep on a dating app, for the kisses that swept over my feet and breakfast in bed which is one of my ultimate goals after sex, and for the old fashioned sweet longing but the most refreshing of all in a long time. Also, for making me believe that I can trust again and I can be 100% unapologetically myself and stand my ground and be clear about my needs and boundaries with no fear of being rejected, abandoned, bullied or manipulated.

You chose silence and separation (you must have had your reasons and I don’t want to try to ‘analyse’ you anymore) and there is nothing that I can do about it. I'm not even asking you for a closure anymore - I guess I found my way of getting the closure I needed by writing you this letter. 
I still like you but nothing is more certain than life and time itself - I'm closer than Machu Picchu and Fuji that I have ever been, believe me. 

I wish you not all the happiness but absolute happiness - that one day you build your own house, finally be fluent in Spanish and be well travelled.

Take care
V.