Reanalysing and STIs

My journal entries are filled with my memories of him. Re-living. Re-analyzing. Writing a different version of how things ended. 

We met in September and were together until the beginning of December. Although, we were never really together. He always told me he didn't want a relationship. He told me it wasn't going anywhere. 

I loved him. He told me he loved me, too.

I never knew I could be so happy. I've never felt truly desired. 

But he left. He said what we built was too intense. 

I've been broken ever since. 

I found out three months later he gave me an STI. I had to get a really painful biopsy. I had to go alone. I was crying in the stirrups. My gynecologist asked me if I was crying because of the procedure. I said no. Tears streaming down my face, I was crying because of all the pain I've allowed him cause me. 

Months after the breakup, the feelings are still there. 

I blocked him on everything. It helped, but only a little. I said something hurtful to burn the bridge. 

I hate him. But I still love him, deeply. 

I know I can't ever talk to him again. It hurts me inside.