Cutting balls

In 2020, I was diagnosed with meniere's disease - basically, severe tinnitus and hearing loss due to stress. This put me into severe clinical depression and anxiety. In 2021, after months of recovery to adapt to my symptoms, I downloaded an app to meet someone.

We matched on my birthday in March 2021. We met at my favorite park near my house, went on a boat in a lake, showered by Japanese cherry blossoms. We decided to arrange weekly picnic at the same park - you'd cook vegan lentil curry and pack strawberries. We'd go on adventures on weekends, go over to your place to watch movies and cook dinner. I've met your friends, you've met my friends. You were so perfect, I thought you were my birthday present after a severely depressing year.

But nothing happened.

After a month, I called you to ask what we are, if I should "cut your balls off", and to tell me the answer ASAP because I don't want my heart broken. You said "If I was in the normal state, I would've made a move - but I'm not. I just got dumped by two-year girlfriend in February, and it takes months for me until I develop feelings. Can we wait and see?".

I said yes.

After another month, I was paranoid. I thought I was not funny enough because you said "I miss the way she made me laugh". I thought I'm not sexy enough because you told me that you had a rebound before me. I thought I was not good enough because regardless of how perfect I tried to be, you never reciprocated feelings. You would never make me feel like I was okay just the way I am. I would have sleepless nights, call my friends and ask them what was wrong with me.

One morning, I woke up to a severe tinnitus. I couldn't hear properly. I went to the doctor and my hearing has worsened. I ignored your daily text message because I was too depressed to talk to anybody. Two days later, you asked me if I am okay and if I want to join you and your friends. I replied with full vulnerability - how I felt like I was constantly being compared with your past and future girlfriends, felt that I was never good enough, and I need some distance because I am emotionally drained.

Your reply was "Okay, I will give you my permission to just snip-snip my balls off".

So I decided to pursue my dreams to relocate to Europe, regardless of my fear about my ear conditions, because you have smudged your stains all over my favorite places here in Tokyo. And I just had two final interviews with new jobs to restart my life.

Thank you my ear, for protecting me from this man.
And thank you dickhead, for pushing me to pursue my dreams, and showing me exactly what I don't deserve. I hope to never see you again.