Three strikes

For those of you who wished they had a partner during this 2020 insanity lock down period, you wouldn't have wanted mine.

As a couple we were doing okay, maybe not as well as we could have, given the circumstances it could have been a whole lot worse. 

I managed to catch Covid and he didn't believe me (seemingly even after I tested positive), he did nothing to help or take care of me. I felt scared and alone, I wanted to go home. I kept thinking, should I leave? I don't know if I want to be with someone who doesn't care for me? I forgave him, as I am a fool.

I think back to the night he decided to give it all up, all in a few moments. Just after I was better again. I didn't think he was that keen on me in all honesty I think I just made things too easy for him and he didn't know how to leave. However, I didn't expect that level of cruelty, I don't think any one would have. 

After months of paying his way, paying his rent, dealing with his alcoholism and dishonesty I found him on the roof of my house, where we lived together, with a man. And an arsehole one too. I was inside, less than 5m away from him, I only happened to find out as I popped my head out my window.

We'd spoken about his feelings and sexuality openly and comfortably (or so I had thought). I understood he was bisexual, that's not the point.

It's the fact that he sat there and talked to me about it right after it happened, looking sorry for himself. For almost an hour. The fact that the guy wouldn't leave when I asked him to, how rude he was. And then the crushing blow that he made the decision to go back to the guy's house (who had been patiently waiting downstairs) when he was meant to be staying with a friend of mine instead.

I sobbed in the shower for hours and hours, until I couldn't see any more... all while he was off indulging himself. My next door neighbour was drunk, he knocks and pops in to try console me, his hand ends up on my thigh. The last thing you want. I feel sick.

It just blows my mind that someone could keep going after being caught, the complete lack of shame or regret. That he almost tried to cover it up the next day. 

Of course I started to find out that he had not been monogamous throughout the relationship and in fact he has a history of this kind of behaviour. Close friends whose girlfriends he's hooked up with, married women, it goes on. I had friends apologise for 'not having said anything'. Like they were responsible as they'd known what he was like and hadn't said anything to me about it. Personally, I feel guilty not telling the other parties that have been wronged by his actions - but then it's not my place. I wouldn't want to break up a marriage? Another long-term relationship? Friendships?

Three days later I get hit by a car off my bike and I'm concussed. I go to a friends place after the hospital, as you can't be on your own when you have a concussion. Eventually I go home, and it feels so very alone. I can't eat or sleep, friends are concerned - I can't get out of bed.

People keep apologising, saying it's nothing to do with me.

I feel alone, unattractive and incredibly stupid.

At least that's my three things right? Can't go much worse than that. And at least I haven't lost my integrity. I'm a bit embarrassed that the next person I decide to date will have to hear this story, as it just makes me sound so weak.

I know I'll never get the months of rent he owes, that's fine. I'll just boil it all down to an expensive mistake.