Spat

Lockdown began. It was the end of March. We got taking on Facebook. He sent me a friend request, we chatted online and exchanged numbers. 
From those first messages we didn’t stop talking and laughing! We started virtual dating- question times, drinks, watching a movie, visiting New York! (On YouTube) we were always talking, txing, calling, video calls. 
In such a short time we were getting to know each other on a deeper level and yet, we hadn’t even met yet. He told me he loved me a few weeks in. (Was I being love bombed?) I wouldn’t admit I felt the same.

We had to meet for the first time, after a few weeks, a socially distanced one, although we just HAD to kiss.
Things had felt like they had progressed, yet we were hardly together but talking forever! He even put a life event on fb and said we were in a relationship. 

Lockdown eased, we could spend some time together properly. It was always good, we got on, we finally had sex and it was everything I’d hoped. But. I was thinking something was different. I was scared I was hooked, but was he, now we’d met and could finally be together?

He had to face some difficult repercussions of lockdown; he wasn’t seeing his child (I have two), he lost his job and he had to find somewhere to live. 

I voiced my worries, he said it was everything that was happening, I was convinced he didn’t want us. I kept bringing it up, it became a problem. But I did feel his behaviour wasn’t what I thought it would be, from the person he was virtually to the real physical one. Were actions matching words? Did I fall in love with a virtual reality and he wasn’t matching up to it?
I became increasingly anxious we wasn’t going to make it. I saw his activity on social media and he didn’t seem to interact with me as much on there as he did before; he was commenting and liking ‘sexy’ pics of ‘acquaintances’. Is that what boyfriends do!!? We talked about these things but I never felt better. My anxiety was in over drive! I truly thought I was loosing him. 
Fast forward to my birthday in July and that was the last day/night we spent together. 

Since then, we were txing and voice messaging as usual. I was waiting yet again for him to make plans with me but they never came. He had to focus on his awful circumstances. Why wasn’t I making things better? Spending time together to ease the rubbish that was in his life? We stopped speaking for a week after a couple of messages and then… a big blow up tx/voice message about how rubbish it all was and he had to ‘draw and line’. He didn’t listen to my response and still hasn’t. He’s totally cut me off. I decided to block him on social media for my own sanity. It is now August. I tx him yesterday bc I want to know he’s ok but he ignored me. 
Lockdown brought love into my life but it spat it back out just as quick. Will we ever talk again? Will I ever have that kind of intimacy with anyone again? Was it just a lockdown experience? Was it really love?
I will never know…