Ghosts of Christmas past
11 years ago we met on a night out, you pretended you lived with your dad up north but really you lived with your mum in the south. We sat in that nightclub talking all night, we then spent every night on the phone talking for another month. We agreed to meet in the middle and booked a hotel and train tickets to Birmingham. The weekend before Christmas, and it snowed so bad the trains got cancelled. I remember wanting to try anything to make it work so we could still see each other. I was gutted, I thought you would be too, but you were quiet and questioned why I was so upset. I didn’t really hear from you after that failed weekend away and I was heartbroken because I had fallen for you every night we spent laughing.
11 years passed and this year you added me as a friend on Facebook and sent me a message. I was with someone in lockdown who wasn’t treating me very well, I thought it was a sign ‘good men do exist what are you doing’. I was honest and told you, we were friendly but didn’t really talk again. A few weeks later I broke it off and a few weeks after you slid back in to my inbox not knowing but telling me you wanted to ring and catch up. A week later we spoke on the phone for hours, it was like yesterday not 11 years. We laughed, we talked all things life, our chemistry was there like it had been all those years ago on that night club sofa.
You apologised for what happened around our failed weekend away and said you were being cruel to be kind. I understood your reasoning, the distance would have only got harder and we were young.
Now we were older and you wanted to stay in touch, but I never heard from you after that amazing call for another month. I told you to leave me alone, I wasn’t here for games- amazing catch ups and silence. You fought with me and said you wanted a chance. However you are going through a mental health battle, that you won’t tell me about after another two months of silence from fighting to stay in touch one day to silence the next.
Two months pass and you video call me on a Friday morning out of nowhere, I answer with excitement and ease - I can never stay mad at you, I see your name and smile immediately. You had called in sick to work, you opened up and told me you were struggling with depression, you live on island away from any family and real friends - I tell you, you need to come home...you know it’s right too but it’s not as simple as that I know. I tell you, going in and out of silence regardless isn’t fair, I understand the battle with depression. But you can’t keep picking me up and putting me down, I will be here through the thick and thin. You agree to be consistent and show me you care as I tell you if you are I will come and stay with you as I get Work from home, you love this idea you say it’s just what you need to see my smile and have my positivity around the place. You call everyday for 5 days straight, it’s great we talk, we laugh, we flirt, we start to make plans for a long distance relationship. The the silence starts seeping in. We go in and out of the odd text, silent days, me worrying mostly if you are okay or even if you are alive, maybe that’s my own anxiety.
I tell you I don’t know what I mean to you, are we friends or are we trying to make a long distance thing work here like we had talked about. You say you’ll call and talk it will be easier than text...you never ring. You never do.
I call you out on it, you tell me your sorry but you’re in an ambulance on the way to hospital after a panic attack. I feel terrible but I’m not a mind reader. I try to stay in touch to see what’s going on, you tell me they aren’t happy with tests and are keeping you in. I get the odd text but mostly silence and questions unanswered- are you okay? Do your parents know? I send you a final message, to say I care and I know you don’t like to open up and talk but I’m here and you need to let the people who care about you support you. You tell me it really meant a lot and you will call. That was 3 weeks ago. You haven’t called, I haven’t heard from you, I’m trying to not be a complete fool. Maybe you are just bull shitting me, maybe I worry too much about if you are okay.
So I’ve decided to leave you in your silence, that’s your choice. I’m taking care of me, maybe I will never know what was real with you. I hope you feel better. I hope you keep pushing for brighter days, they are coming.
I can’t keep waiting like a hopeless romantic that after 11 years we were meant to be. Maybe this still isn’t our timing, maybe it’s coming or maybe it never will be. And in between all the silence I have to pick me.
And amongst all the self love, a small part of me hates that I still care for you. You silent wanker.