How I really felt

I am a front line nurse but nothing brought me greater pain last year then the devastation of heartbreak.

You were ‘The Doctor,’ but I knew you were never going to be just my friend.

For the year of Covid we built a foundation.It was nothing more at the start. Just friends. You had a girlfriend. And I was busy completing Hinge. 

Then you split up with her. Said it had been ‘over for a while.’ 

Friendly messages turned into light touching and tactile, subtle moves. We would eat our free meals and laugh whilst the chaos of Covid was erupting in the background.
A few months later we started to be ‘FWB.’

I told myself, I didn’t feel a thing. I believed it for a while. And I was the ‘cool & funny' girl that didn’t get attached, you thought. You know, the one we all pretend to be when we are lying to ourselves. 

I justified every red flag you waved directly in my face. Somehow I had never felt so insecure and so confident at the same time, around anyone but you. ‘What did I do right to be so lucky,’ I thought. 

We spent the weekend of my birthday together. You cooked us my favourite dinner and wrapped me a present the way I liked. We always had the best sex, the most fun and you made everything else feel so insignificant. It was the best weekend of my life.

One day without warning I could feel you slipping away. I don’t know why even to this day. But I just knew I wasn’t at the front of your mind anymore.

When you finally said you were ready to date and find someone I thought this was my window. You said you didn’t feel the same. I was a ‘great friend’ and excellent fuck apparently. Not good enough to be with though and I felt like my heart had been stabbed.

I was so lost. For a long time. Dark and intrusive thoughts regularly infiltrated my mind. ‘I am nothing, unskilled and unintelligent.’ 

Time allowed for friendship. But I can never just be your friend. 

We are ‘always going be friends’ you said and few months later and I ‘just don’t want a relationship right now.' You still tell me about some girls you’ve dated and ask for advice. I pretend to be the ‘cool girl’
I’m not cool.

You will never know I cried after every Hinge date on the way home because they weren’t you. Which I’m sure has an impact on my Uber rating. I never really told you how much you broke my heart. For the risk of me being vulnerable and feeding your ego. Sometimes I wonder if it would have made a difference. 

I have to convince myself everyday you are not my person. It’s been almost a year since we first started sleeping together during the pandemic. I would never trade that feeling, even if it was brief. And now, as cringe as it sounds, I am the best version of myself. But of all the loves I thought I have had, there has never been one more passionate, painful and as true as you. 

But don't worry friend. I would never give you the satisfaction of knowing how I really felt x