I couldn’t shake the feeling

My life came to a halt once lockdown started, forced to return to family who lived in an unfamiliar place while I was travelling and studying abroad.
We met online, a place we'd both never intended to use to find love. I used it to distract myself from the problems at hand and the worries, hoping that maybe I would find someone who would understand me. I am an easy person to get along with, I just have a life that's difficult to follow. Whether or not we were meant to, I think we both found ourselves in a situation that we didn't want to turn away from. There was a connection, a spark, uniquely suited for these times and completely unintentional.
It can be so incredibly difficult to make sense of your feelings at a time where life itself is a whirlwind. I've had doubts as to whether I was leading her on or giving away myself too much. She asked me if this was just a summer rush, whether we were just keeping things alight because we were lonely. It made me worry, it made me anxious, but despite all of it I couldn't shake off the feeling that if I lost her I would be making a huge mistake. 
We chose to persevere, to face the challenges that are to come, and to work together for something we believe. We don't know yet what we can become, but it would be a regrettable mistake to not find out. Now that my life is about to resume, I do not know if it could be the same without her. When it comes to matters of the heart there are no right answers. We do what we must because we believe it, because it gives us purpose and meaning to our choices. 
This girl, this woman, that I've met makes me realize that I am important, that I matter, and that I am who I choose to be. She gives me energy, confidence, and empowers me in ways I may never be able to do on my own. I do not know if I will meet someone else that can make me feel that way. It's possible as life has a tendency to give us the unexpected. But I am not waiting to find out, I will make my own path and destiny and I'm very much wanting her to be part of it.  

I will never expect anybody to understand what we are and the choices we made, and for once in my life I find comfort in my decisions. 

I ramble at times, but I know she loves me because of it.