You reminded me

Just a few days after I had a fleeting moment of missing him, of believing lockdown would be better with him around, he messaged. After 12 months of silence it's like my thoughts called him out of the wood work.

For a moment I thought he was finally ready for us to talk, to listen and to heal. I quickly realised my optimism, the conversation was going to be no different to all the conversations of the past. His dialogue filled with anger, resentment and blame. Mine with honesty, compassion and integrity.

Whilst the dialogue was predictably familiar there was one pivotal difference. This time his words washed over me. My heart didn't become heavy to his hate. I no longer felt sad that he couldn't see me for who I am. Instead my heart felt light and joyous in the confirmation that walking away 16 months ago was the best decision I ever made. My sadness was only for him and the pain disguised as anger that he can't move through and let go of.

Thank you for the reminder that being in lockdown alone may get lonely at times but its solitude is better than being locked down with someone who claims to love you but really has far too much unresolved pain to love themselves, let alone anyone else.