To the woman I could have become

It is in the quiet moments, when I think of you. The 19 year old us and the many versions of you that I might have become. When I think of all the things I wish I could have told you, how I could have held and supported you and made you know that it was all going to be okay. Because it is okay, sitting here now writing this I can tell you it is all okay. It isn’t perfect but then neither is life. Life is about looking for, and allowing ourselves to enjoy that ray of sunshine. Sometimes it is like a glorious summer day when the sun is shining and there isn’t a cloud in sight. Other days it is like a gloomy winter day when the clouds will momentarily part and bathe everything in that weak glow that reminds you that even on the darkest days there is still hope. Hope, and perhaps a knowledge, that things will always get better and that there will be better times ahead. Because there are always better times ahead than any we leave behind. 

That is why I know I have done wrong. Wrong in being my own worst enemy rather than my own best friend. For forgetting that I am capable of giving deep love to my friends and family- to those I love- but also that I am worthy to receive that because I should be someone I love too. I pointed the finger and made you shoulder blame beyond what Is yours to take. And rather than with age applying compassion, I held you to an ever higher standard of how you should have behaved on that night. And that was wrong. I realise that now. In the solitude of my commute, or the quiet of the evening I am finally realising that. 

All the things I wish I could have told you about how it would be okay, it’s not too late. I can’t turn back time and undo what I put you through but I can be my best friend now, the 25 year old woman I am now, and treat her, you, us, with the compassion we always deserved. And in doing so make amends with you, the many versions of my younger self. There is no point saying I wish I had understood this sooner, I can’t change that. I grieve all the women I might have become if I had realised this sooner, all the many versions of you I will never get to know. But, at the same time, I celebrate all that you have been through, the battles you have fought and won which made me the woman I am. Enduring pain should not be made heroic, it is not something to be glorified but I am proud of all you have lived and done and of the woman you have allowed me to become. I am sorry I did not understand this sooner. 

I am learning, everyday. I’ll make mistakes (many of them) and that’s okay. That’s life and I am human. It is about learning to enjoy the sun whenever, and for however long, it might shine.