Mom

My mom got diagnosed with metastatic cancer at the beginning of lockdown in March. I went on a complete downward spiral of pain, fear, and anger because my relationship with her is not resolved. I destroyed my relationship with my boyfriend at the time and since then have moved halfway across the world to be with my mom. Since being here, I’ve felt more alone than I care to admit - no friends around, can’t speak the language, stuck in confinement. Everything looks fine on my social media. Some days I feel like an imposter... fake it until you make it, they say.
I am trying to become closer with my mom before it is too late, but it turns out that I am just having to grieve never being able to have the mother I needed, all while living with her day to day. 
I lost a great love of my life, grieving the loss of the mother I will never have, and trying to rebuild myself and heal. 
It’s really hard work. Some days are good, but most are a struggle. Showing up as my own mother, father, and nurturer and learning to love myself more every day.