Not knowing

I think I am clinging on to something that once was 

Or was it really ever there? Did you ever really feel the way you said you did about me?

Was I ever that special to you?

Now I just feel used, not enough, foolish, stupid, naive, untrusting 

I had never struggled with self worth before and look what you’ve done to me. I left the kindest man I know for the dream and possibility of you 

Where has my self respect gone? 

You treat me like a play thing, something you can pick up and throw away as it suits you. The control you have over me makes me sick to my stomach 

I used to dream of us, so you did you (I think) What changed?

You make me question myself, wondering if I expect too much of you, which in turn makes me so frustrated at myself because deep down I know it isn’t true

The rational part of my brain knows all of this, but my heart doesn’t listen. I just cling to the hope I have for the good there once was

I know all of this is no good for me, deep down I know. But why does my heart still leap when I see your name on my phone?