9 1/2 weeks part 6

Reflection…

I still think about you. About what we had. I still wonder if any of it was real. Some days I regret my actions when you ended it. The anger filled texts, the chat with your ex (now current again partner) and the way I was so vocal about how much you’d hurt me to our colleagues knowing I was leaving and that you’d have to live with that reputation. Our relationship made me the worse version of myself - I wanted to say you made me like that, but in all honesty I know I’m responsible for my own actions, I chose to be outwardly petty and angry, it’s the first time I’ve ever acted like that at the end of a relationship and I didn’t like how it made me feel. Revenge, or at least perceived revenge, doesn’t take any of the pain away. I’ll never tell you I’m sorry for how I acted, because in the moment I needed that, I also knew that by imploding as I did the door would always be firmly closed. You’ll never reach out again after how I acted, your ego won’t allow it and I’ll never reach out knowing that what I said in those last months will be unforgivable to you. But I’m telling the universe and in the hope that I can finally heal, that when I hear the songs and see the films on TV that were so briefly ‘ours’ my mind doesn’t go straight to you. I hope you think of me occasionally and it’s not with total disdain, I hope one day you realise that
I loved you with all my heart, and that if I could do it all over again I don’t think I’d change anything. Except maybe the end, maybe you would have chosen me.