Sometimes I lie in bed with my boyfriend and think about my ex

I must admit that sometimes I lie in bed with my boyfriend and think about my ex. How he never quite gave me what I wanted and never really showed me the respect I deserved... YET I was always chasing him. To this day I still do, under the guise of friendship. I never tell my boyfriend we are meeting. My ex and I gossip and giggle for a few hours and discuss each other’s love lives. I always feel like there is a competitive tone coming from his end but I might be reading into it. Sometimes I watch his beautiful lips spew out the most ego centric crap I’ve ever heard and for some reason I fall in love with him all over again. After 4/5 hours of his company we run out of things to say and we get bored. We part ways and agree to meet again in a few months time. I’m brought back to reality that love is so much more than the longing for what you can’t have. It’s about stability, security and real genuine friendship. My boyfriend is in the dark about our meetings and I think I’ll keep it this way. Although I must question, why ruin something amazing for the sake of reigniting an old flame which clearly never burned so brightly in the first place. Being in love is complex and if I’m honest, I’m in love with them both.