The ache: Part 2

I wrote in back during the winter lockdown about the gnawing dull pain after the breakup on a long-term and seemingly happy relationship. I was feeling lost and saddened that despite entering into a new relationship with J, albeit tentatively, I was feeling cold towards the prospect of being happy with someone else. I don’t know if it was the physical cold and darkness of the bleakest of all the lockdowns that started to manifest into my feelings, or if it was the fact that the winter would have also been the ex’s birthday, our 7th anniversary, Valentine’s Day and a full year since the break-up. Either way I got scared and broke-up with J. Unfairly, without warning and no communication really as to what I was feeling. I was as bad as my ex in that regard. Perhaps selfishly, I recognised that I needed more friends around me than I did a boyfriend so asked J if we could still be friends. It was undeniable that we had fun with each other and could finish each other’s jokes so what could be the harm? Due to lockdown, meeting in person wasn’t possible so we instead video called once or twice a week for a month. Once lockdown lifted we met for the first time. Seeing him in person brought back the spark and the already creeping doubts that I’d made a mistake pulling the panic cord were confirmed. I’d realised that the looming big anniversaries didn’t matter. They were just days and numbers but I didn’t need to be afraid of them, they came and passed and I didn’t break down. I felt stronger that I’d made it though the things I’d dreaded. J and I continued to meet in person a few times. He’d mentioned about going on a few dates with other people, but then so had I, so didn’t think much of it. I wanted to tell him that I’d recognised my knee jerk reaction and the strange combination of comfort in his presence and excitement of the chemistry was still there for me but felt I’d been so selfish in the breakup to put that offer on the table while he was still exploring dating again with a new girl. It wasn’t until a few weeks ago that it finally came in an outburst of gabbled feelings over the phone. I never thought I’d be the ‘pick me’ girl. It felt horrible knowing that I was essentially pinning myself against another girl but I just couldn’t keep it in anymore. The phone call went exactly the way I thought it would in reality. His softening the blow talk that wasn’t entirely clear cut as they did still having feelings for me but they wanted to see where things would go with the new girl. I respected that and was totally prepared to take a step back. It felt horrible but I also felt lighter. Part of the reason I’d felt so agonised over the decision to breakup with J had been a closed off, fear of getting hurt. Yet here I was opening up about my feelings knowing full well I’d probably be rejected but still wanting to show my hand and risk it than close off. Giving into those feelings felt like the most true to myself thing I’d done for myself in a long time, even if I also felt extreme betrayal to another girl I’d never even met and for any confusion I’d potentially caused to a man I cared about.
The really hurt came 3 days later. It wasn’t seeming his Facebook status change to ‘in a relationship’ even though that gave me a sinking feeling. It was the message from J that followed one day later. The message that said he wanted to see me still as a friend but knew if we hung out he’d want to sleep with me. He still felt the chemistry and if we saw each other he’d end up cheating now that he knew I still wanted him. Well that hit like a gut punch. The nice guy image quickly fell away and now he was just a guy that days before had made it official with another girl but also didn’t care or respect either of us enough to not cheat if given the opportunity. To be reduced down to just feeling as though he saw me as sex was enough. It’s hurt more to find out the only guy I’ve felt any chemistry with since ‘the big break-up’ was not the good guy I thought I’d spent weeks grappling with emotions over.
However, I’m trying to hold on to that lighter feeling that I was open enough to put myself out there for rejection and not care if it meant that for the first time in a long time was letting my heart rule over my head. While it might not have paid off this time it’s part of getting back to the old me who always played with her heart.
And to the new girl - I hope he treats you better than he has so far. We both deserve better. If I thought I could tell you and be sure that I wouldn’t just be hurting you more, I would, but I fear I’ve already caused too much damage here. You sound way too good for him, I hope he does either bring you happiness or you recognise that you’re so much more.