My Vice

I sit here drunk on red wine, my normal vice: he made me feel again, that’s the worst he could have done. I spent years perfecting the art of being the strong woman: the one who was working on her career and her look (health and wealth.) 

I never opened a dating app in my life. Being in the entertainment industry I thought I would do Raya - the supposedly exclusive app to network: well unfortunately I met a rugby player. I was hesitant at first but I decided since we both connected I’ll slide into the dms. Be bold I thought, like you always are in your career and life but not with men. I slid into the dms and got a response. From then I knew I was fucked. There was something about this person that made my gut say run away. I wanted something healthy and easy. I was in a place where I finally knew myself and I wanted someone that would match that. 

The first date came: a nice Italian restaurant on portobello in west London. I was naturally having a bottle of wine before the first date with my best friend because I hadn’t been on a proper date in ages. Something about this felt different. A part of me just knew I was going to like him and I think that is what scared me. 

We met and instantly I knew “wow you were going to make me feel.” The conversation flowed for hours with minimal alcohol and I knew I was screwed. 

Weeks went by and we dated and connected and then I went back to America from London for the holidays. Something was wrong - he knew I cared: I knew I cared and that is where we went wrong. We decided to care; something that is so rare in this generation.

We’re all so afraid to feel and afraid for a call. He was the first person to make me feel again and that was scary. I had met someone that finally made me feel again. And if nothing else happens from this I can honestly say I am happy that I decided to open up my heart again and lockdown helped me to do that. He messaged me and told me what he was going through and that he needed time. I embrace that and I respect that because it’s the first time that I’ve received honesty from a man. I respect this guy so much more than the guys who never told me how they really felt. So be honest, love people, say how you feel and just do it because life is way too short to not give a fuck and to not care, and to not love, and to not feel.