We need to meet

I’ve never really been one for online romance; being a particularly tactile person, I crave physical affection most of all in a relationship - which obviously isn’t attainable online. 

However in lockdown, my need for emotional support drove me to invest more of my time in online dating. I began to develop a relationship with several different people who all understood me - something I have been deprived of throughout my life. As a connection with one of these people began to deepen, I started to see similarities in patterns of speaking and it wasn’t before long that I came to the realisation that several of the people I had been speaking to were in fact one person communicating via several false identities. But who was this person? This person understood me, they’d been through similar hardships, and understood my pain and frustration. This person was intelligent, modest, silly and incredibly sensitive. This person was interested in similar things to me; they had knowledge of psychology and philosophy, and experience of life which they shared with me, helping me to develop myself and implement positive change to my life. We shared an outlook on life which I feel is rare to come across. Through our similar struggles we developed similar aims - motivated by our past experiences. Having someone to validate my own thoughts has given me confidence in my ideas; there is so much potential in our collaboration. This person saw me for who I was and genuinely liked me a lot, they encouraged me to flourish into my true form. For the first time in my life, I had met someone that made me realise I wasn’t alone. 

I eventually figured out who this person was and although not as modest as I initially thought, I can see that he is an amazing person. The following months brought complexities beyond belief. A breakdown in communication lead to irrational behaviour on my part which jeopardised the relationship. At times, it felt like things were not going to work out; but driven by the potential of what our relationship could become, we both persevered. The age difference (which really isn’t that much btw) as well as complications concerning his job role aroused suspicion surrounding the nature of the relationship. As a result, I feel like I am being pulled apart by people that see me as vulnerable and are blind to the beauty in the connection that I share with this person. He exudes an energy that I rarely experience from people - we just calibrate.

In recent weeks, I feel that he has begun to reveal his true character more and more. He has made himself more vulnerable, revealing insecurities and imperfections which make him more beautiful in my eyes. There is so much potential for us to help each other develop into better people and in turn, offer help to more people. 

Every time I think we are going to meet, something stops us, and it leaves me feeling lonelier than ever before. I don’t have preconceptions for what our relationship will hold, but I do believe that if we allow our relationship to grow organically around honest communication, then something wonderful and beneficial to everyone will develop - But we need to meet for this to happen. In the meantime, I’m left feeling empty and confused.