Gut instincts

The first day I met him, I knew he would be someone important in my life. We met three years ago. His kindness, his ability to listen and to make me laugh was absolutely amazing. I felt important to someone else for the first time in my life and totally confident with him. He was my first love.

As everyone has a dark side, I learned later that he was married. Separated, but still dealing with a divorce. Living in a house they had together that he couldn't leave because of financial problems. 3 years later, it's still not fixed.
Even though we were having a wonderful time together, my gut told me he would never accept me in his life.

He broke up with me before the 1st lockdown. I thought I would never find hapiness and joy again.
After some time, we got back together. We tried very hard to fix things, he was feeling ready, he told me "I love you". I certainly had the most wonderful time of my life when he visited me last summer. I thought I had found the man of my life.I tried to trust him. But my gut always told me he was not to be trusted. It was too good to be true. The previous break up had been too hurtful and unfair, and how could he change in 6months?

We spent Xmas together in his home that he hated so much, and my gut was right. He turned into a very dark person, avoidant and intolerant. All the red flags were there. We broke up again and this time, it was mutual. Why did he came back last summer? 
In his eyes, I'm not the one. I never was, and I'll never be. 
The hardest thing is to accept that. My gut was right, I didn't listen, and now I'm paying the price. Again.