Is it too late?

The lockdowns have given me a lot of time to think about people who were in my life but not anymore for whatever reason. I’ve though about you a lot. You taught me about things I would never had thought of myself, you showed me things I would never have seen and laughed about things I would never have laughed about.

I remember when we first met in that shed we all used to hang out in. I was 18 and you were 25. I remember drinking a can of Stella and looking at you thinking how cool and funny you were. We started to hang out more and more after that, just you and me. I sewed patches on your jackets, you gave me massages and we would have the most incredible sex (in fact, you gave me my first orgasm through sex). You treated me like I was the most perfect person in the world and I took it for granted never finding it within myself to fully commit to anything. Remember that night the condom split and we were both so panicked we drove around trying to find a pharmacy to get the morning after pill? After then it wasn’t the same - I thought it was a sign we weren’t meant to be.

You taught me about music. One night you were driving me home from the pub and you had that Pat Benatar tape ‘Best Shots’ playing. We were listening to ‘Love is a Battlefield’ and at the time I was too young to realise that it is a battlefield. No matter now close we got, there was something always in the way.

I loved listening to your stories and how much you loved the two Corey’s. When Corey Haim died I sent my condolences to you and you sent me the sweetest message back. I freaked out and pulled away again.

Remember that night we went to the cinema to watch The Breakfast Club and Pretty in Pink double feature and I began to feel ill so you took me home? I let you put your arm around me and I rested my head on your shoulder and started to cry. You wiped away my tears and told me it would be ok.

And then you got a girlfriend. You were happy with her so I backed off. In a weird twist of fate I ended up dating her ex, which you found highly amusing. A bit like a strange partner swap.

After you split up with her a few years later we started hanging out again and I loved every minute of it. Until you told me a lie, which still plays on my mind to this day, and you cut off all contact immediately. I think by this point you were getting scared about my constant rejections.

Nine years later I’ve never stopped thinking about you and the time we had together, what might have been, where we would have gone. You were my one who I let get away. Around you I was completely myself. You let me be vulnerable, you made me laugh until my sides hurt and you were there when I needed it. 

The truth is I am madly, deeply and truly in love with you and always have been.

I will understand if you completely ignore this declaration, but I wanted to let you know (perhaps years too late) what you actually mean to me.