One year of you

Part -1 

December 2019

We met in December 2019 for our first date after connecting on a dating app. I had a series of terrible dates before then. I enjoyed the three hours we were together. It was like friends chatting away and laughing throughout. You still seemed angry and bitter about your ex but you said you are keen to move on to set up a life with someone else. You said you felt a deep connection with me that you have not felt with anyone else in a while. You were keen on sex but I asked if we could take it slow. You said you were happy to wait as long as it takes. It gave me hope. We agree to meet on a second date for lunch and continued texting in the meantime and I opened up to you. For our second date I was outside the restaurant for 45 mins. You didn’t come. You didn’t answer calls or texts. I politely sent in a (disappointed) goodbye text after seeing you online in the evening on the same day. You respond. You call me selfish for sending that text because your dad is in the hospital. I didn’t know. I offered to help. And then you apologise for no show. From then on as we were travelling (separately), texts continued in different time zones. And more misunderstandings also continued, which mostly ended with you telling me what is wrong with me. You were so up and down with your emotions. I was so calm throughout that I even surprised myself.

April 2020

I was being supportive because you had gone through so much so quickly - a bad break-up, unemployment and a sick parent. I felt our first date connection held a promise. But after a particularly bad low from you on texts again, I give up on us in February 2020. 

Then lockdown 1 hit. I forget you and I are still connected on LinkedIn. You pop-up in my feed in April with a job update and without thinking, I liked it because I was genuinely happy for your new start. You connect with me again. We tentatively start talking again. I am nervous about further misunderstandings. It’s my birthday - you want to (like before) send me a present. I refuse and say let’s meet up once lockdown is over to catch up. You agree. We start speaking through texts again. I am still nervous because of the history (and this time I didn’t want to hope till we had that second date).  

August 2020

Our text conversations through the first lockdown are surprisingly “almost good” with no misunderstandings. Supportive, caring, nurturing. You took interest in my work and even pushed me to do bigger things. We watched shows online reviewed them. We learnt about each other’s likes and dislikes better this time. You surprised me by booking me on an online activity because I was feeling low. This felt like a new you but because of your behaviour at the start, I constantly felt this sweet bubble could burst any moment and you will snap at me. It was like walking on eggshells but I argued with myself that it will all go away once we meet.

Part -2

September 2020

I said “almost good” because we only communicated through texts (yes I know!). You said you don’t like talking on the phone - I get the fatigue with calls during these times but this still felt off. I didn’t push. Lockdown opens. I start to notice some changes. Texts taking a bit longer. You don’t talk about meeting up anymore. You book a holiday, encourage me to go to the same place but don’t quite invite me along. I ask you to meet up for a socially distanced second date because it’s all making me a bit anxious. You don’t respond for a week. I prompt again and you say “Happy to be friends”. I am gutted. But I didn’t want to know your reasons. I am calm about it all but also tired about it all. You have made up your mind based on texts and I accept it. I explain to you that it’s disappointing (and why). I needed space before being friends. Texts continue here and there (instigated by me but you always responded). I go away on holiday with friends and decide that I cannot be friends with you. I stop all communication. You don’t reach out either. I start dating again after a break.

November 2020

Lockdown 2 is announced. I have not seen my close family and friends for almost a year. I panic. How will I get through it this time. Last one was okish because we were there for each other. I remind myself that it’s no reason to go back to you. It was toxic. I deserve much better. But I slip and send you a message only to receive a thumbs-up in response. You then ask me how I was doing (only because I asked you first). I also reply with a thumbs-up because I belatedly realise this was a bad idea and I am better off without you. You block me - it’s as if you knew I am now out of your grip with that thumbs up response.

On the one year anniversary of our first text chat (on the dating app) - this is my final goodbye to you. I don’t regret taking a chance(s) on you. I do feel proud for seeing through you, with my self-respect and calmness still intact. I will remain grateful to you for keeping my lockdown 1 sane and because of that I wish you good things and peace with yourself.