The break-up

I still haven't really worked out how to put it: that my boyfriend and I broke up mutually; that I broke up with him; that he broke up with me. It's complicated when someone gives you an ultimatum and then is too cowardly to admit that their wrongdoing is what caused the slow, painful demise of a relationship. 
We ended on terms that were this: I finally decided that I deserve to be happy. Staying with him would make me unhappy, ending things would make me unhappy, but at least one of those would be temporary (I'd hoped).
This happened at the start of March, possibly a week before Australia locked down pretty hard and was quite chaotic in the lead up to it. 
The loneliness and fear I felt for the next few months were very real and raw. It's a strange time to be mourning the end of a relationship, the loss of a best friend of 3 years, whilst also anxious about what the next few months of a pandemic would unfold. 
You feel guilty; like your tiny little problem in comparison means nothing and shouldn't be given so much thought. So it did take a long time to process the relationship ending, heck I was distracted! 
During a pandemic, you can't have the organic eventual meet up, the run in, with your ex, oh no. You have to schedule a time to call them on the phone, which is awkward and heartbreaking all at the same time. Prior to that call, I had so many ironic hopes and thoughts of getting back together, and whilst it was hard to hear aloud, him saying that after years of loving me, loving each other, the promises, the plans, that he didn't think we would be together again, was what I needed to break that barrier and push on with my life.
It's lonely to have your heart broken during a pandemic, but I know there's better things for me coming. I have to get up and find them on my own.