Wistful thinking

We met on the schoolbus. We dated after we finished school and it ended because we went our separate ways travelling and then to university. I thought of him fondly.

I heard from him again when we were both back in Bristol during the Christmas holidays and we arranged to go for a drink. He cancelled last minute with a rubbish excuse and I decided I would leave it for him to rearrange. He didn’t. Four days later he meets another girl and our chapter is closed.

One year later I’m a fresh face in London and I see his reply to something I posted on Instagram. We exchange a couple of messages and he asks me where I am. He’s also in London and I accept his suggestion for a drink with excitement and trepidation.

We dated for three months, most of which I spent waiting for him to reply. I became clingier, wanting his attention. I ended it because he was dishonest about some things, I didn’t like how he was making me feel, and I didn’t like the person I was becoming... but I still liked him and he said he liked me.

Next week lockdown happened. I expected my feelings to go away but I repressed them “because he wasn’t right.” When I came back to London I had a feeling something might happen with us. A message. A walk. Something... because he has been in and out of my life for years.

It has been over a year now. I still think about him. I still don’t have closure.